I have plenty of them and chips cannot keep me sober. (Still have crazy thinking, I know.) And no, I didn't pick up yet another white chip. If no one is friendly to me than I cannot feel rejected and hurt if they stop being friendly. I just want to go and be left alone for now. I just went to the first meeting I have been to in a while the other night.

With all the problems on this board, I have felt more welcome here than in the meetings. And I felt and still feel like an outcast. So with each white chip, I felt more and more on display for people to see 'how it doesn't work if you don't work it', I was an example of a 'loser' instead of a 'winner'. And the embarrassment I felt when I was part of shares with people looking right at me and talking to me and advising me during the meeting time was almost unbearable.

And it felt just awful to lose people who I thought were my friends after I relapsed and to lose more and more after continued relapsing. It was humiliating and embarrassing to pick up another white one after that, then felt shameful to have people come up to me and ask me what happened and tell me I needed to change sponsors, stop coming to meetings with a person I had been coming to meetings with during all my sobriety time, to do this and do that. It felt good to go pick up that first, 30 day, 60 day, 90 day and 1 year one.

I didn't go back to a meeting for a couple of months at least after that. Was even told by another member that I was 'lying' to the group about my sobriety if I didn't pick up another white chip. After a few relapses, I stopped picking up chips. There are a couple of groups here that do not hand out chips at all.

Aa poker chips